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Athena so cold was a mystery To a satyr whose letches were blistery So he reached in her cowl And petted her owl He used to be myth. Now he's history Joe Wrobel Dying 4 a Smoke Jason Blurn looks like any other 26 year old American: stupid. Even with the shackles on his wrists and armed guards next to him, he seems more like an idiot bagger who mangles your groceries at the local supermarket than a history-making criminal. But whole world is watching this man as he sits in the courtroom, alternately picking his nose and studying what comes out of it. Because if Jason Blurn is found guilty, he'll be the first person sent to the electric chair for smoking. How did Jason Blurn find himself poised to be bumped off for butts? Experts agree that the criminalization of smoking began with the Surgeon General's report in the early 60's which turned what had an unhealthy, disgusting habit, into an officially unhealthy, disgusting habit. Smoking was soon restricted to specific small areas of restaurants, planes and so forth, the now famous "nicotine ghettos." But even these vanished with the passage of legislation that made it unlawful to smoke anywhere. The final nail in the smoker's coffin was the Deedle Act of 2021, which reasoned that if smoking was so incredibly illegal, anyone doing it had to be right up there with murderers and rapists in the nastiness department, and deserved to die. However this the ultimate punishment had never been asked of anyone until Jason Blurn came along and started puffing in Paramus. Too bad the McBlockbuster's on Route 17 in Paramus, New Jersey didn't have one more copy of " Jurassic Park IV: The Final Feeding" the day Jason Blurn stopped in for a McMunch N'Movie Mega Meal. If they had, maybe none of this would have happened. As it was, the film was out, and Blurn was upset. The manager asked him to leave. Blurn refused. Words were exchanged and finally Blurn left, driving off in a 2011 Dodge Laser Wagon. But three hours later he returned and, without a word, pulled a four inch long unfiltered cigarette from under his coat and lit it. The McBlockbuster's customers fled in panic, screaming, "Yaaaaaa! A smoker!" and "Look out! He's got a cigarette." Police hastily cordoned off the area. Seconds later a SWAT team burst in and wrestled him to the ground. Jason Blurn was arrested and charged with one count of first degree smoking and forty counts of conspiracy to create an open flame, one count for each match he possessed. Donald Pherimone, the District Attorney handling the case, indicated he would seek the death penalty, "as sure as chew follows bite." The trial got underway on a raw, bleak morning. District Attorney Pherimone felt the case against Blurn was as open-and-shut as "a clam with an attitude problem." But Jason Blurn wasn't entirely defenseless. Ed "Red" Tibbetts, the wily, grizzled veteran of many such "hopeless" court battles, was representing Blurn. (Attracted by the celebrity status of the case -- and a chance to finally get on the Letterman show -- Dave at 104 was still going strong.) Tibbetts immediately sought a directed verdict of innocent by virtue of insanity.

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